apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
