I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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