Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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