sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
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