I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
