I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
