Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
