i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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