saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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