you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
