Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
