so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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