Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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