I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
