I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
