my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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