Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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