I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
