awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
