I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
