I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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