dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Send help, water and tortillas.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
