Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize
