theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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