how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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