Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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