i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
