Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
