I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
