I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
