new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
