I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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