new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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