Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
