when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Sext me about skeletons
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