The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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