four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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