Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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