i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
