He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
