i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
