What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
