bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
