i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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