OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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