ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
