Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
