You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
