I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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