overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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