i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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