that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
