I didn't shave. On purpose
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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