Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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